I'm Here!!

Today's big revelation? Well, it's just that I am here. It's been yucky kind of day. Nothing terrible of catastrophic happened, I have just felt down all day. Maybe it's that I go to work tomorrow and I still do not know what my job is. I feel as though I do not have a place or a position. Again, an identity crisis. Who am I? At least at work I have always had a specific title and a job description but tomorrow I do not. When everyone asks what I will be doing next year (and they will) I will simply say that I am not sure. Sounds rather lame doesn't it? School starts next week. The students will be in the classrooms and I sound like I will be wandering the halls looking for a place to land. So, to wrap up this short post, I really thought of not writing tonight. To just let this day slide into the abyss, but I set out to keep a record of change, and part of the change is just to continue on with this record. (Besides - it's only been 3 days for crying out loud!) Part of me keeps saying - nobody is reading this so why write it? Nobody will know if I skip a day or never write it again, but the fact of the matter is that I will know - and that is what matters. Besides - maybe one day - someone will read it - someone - are you out there????

Disney World Pinball

When I was a little girl I had a Disney World pinball machine. It really wasn't a machine, it was more like a board that I held in my lap at an angle. When I shot the ball up with the spring loaded lever I could manipulate it by tilting the board to the left or the right. While it was a simple game, it was one that I enjoyed playing, so when we went on vacation and I heard that the hotel we were staying in had a game room with a pinball machine in it I was excited. Imagine my delight as I stood before the large pinball machine with it's loud music and flashing lights. I felt that it was begging for my quarter. After feeding it its mammon I pulled back the lever and slung the pinball forward. As the ball came back down I flipped the flippers and pushed the side buttons, but within seconds the ball went sliding down the bottom of the machine. Game over. I did not like this game. Unlike my Disney version of pinball, this game gave me very little control over the ball. The pinball on this game merely hit whatever it hit and bounced wherever it bounced and whatever happened to it is what happened. It was more of a game of chance then a game that I could control (at least at the age of nine!).

How does this relate to my small change of the day? Well, at work today I was asked what job I wanted. If the particular job that I was asking for was not put into the budget would another job be alright? My answer? I don't know. I shocked myself. Usually I bounce. I allow myself to land wherever I land. I give this a spiritual slant in saying that "God is directing my steps" but the honest truth is - I believe God created me for a purpose and He expects me to know that purpose and go after it. I am supposed to use my brain and not just bounce. While I will probably go after either position - I at least took time to think today. To not just bounce but actually tilt the board in my favor and let myself have a little extra time before I landed. Good job self!

Where Do I Start?

In the words of the wise Maria VonTrapp "Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start." My only problem is that I do not exactly know where my beginning is at. I think I lost it. Every once in a while I determine that I am going to on a big hunt to find my new beginning and I start with a major house cleaning day. That usually lasts for a few hours and then I find pictures from when the kids were small or a letter from a long lost friend and instead of finding a new beginning I find myself lost in the past. However, this time is different. I am trying a whole new approach. This time I have decided that I am going to make small changes - one day at a time. That's right - something small - very small. Something so small that nobody may even notice that I am changing - but maybe, just maybe over time these changes will begin to add up and actually change my life.

So you ask - what is my change for the day?? Well, it actually began yesterday when I subscribed to an online service called e-mealz. For three months I have weekly meal plans, recipes, and a grocery list sent to me each week. I pulled off the lists and went shopping. It was easy to follow the list since it was listed by category. So, today - I cooked meal number one and my family sang my praises! My husband asked me to make the meal again sometime and it actually only took about twenty minutes to cook. I was excited. A home cooked meal - wow - I saved money and fed my family well - I feel good about that. Day one - completed!